RIP, mr. schwab

picturing his trademark once in a blue moon smile

seeing levi breakdown

feeling the the depth of sadness in  his mom’s eyes

why did it have to be so sudden? so soon?

we mourn your loss, mr. schwab

you’ll be missed

goodbye.

5.30

we went to tiendesitas at around 3pm, got back around seven.

the boys (miguel and kuya gene) arrived for their usual sabado night booze spree.

at around 10, habi gathered everyone around, said he’s gonna play a dvd of something.

we all thought it was a compilation of our home videos…

then boom!

it rolled…

pic after pic i started getting frantic!

“are you ready?”

pics, more pics…

“this is it!”

freeze frame: a wigged habi with bright green shades beaming…

“will you marry me?”

everybody laughed.

cheered.

i was laughing.

crying.

laughing and crying.

he was on his knees, holding a fancy ring!

yes, fancy!

and he asked again!

“no, no, no!”

“sige na, please! yes na!”

no.

laughter.

then YES.

and we hugged.

now i’m doomed.

Protected: 30 fucking bucks

if it ain’t broken…don’t fix it

i know, most of the time–if not always, i sweat the small stuff.

i rant about the most trivial things.

i whine about the weather.

i lose sleep over a lost ballgame.

i worry too much.

but when i comes to relationships, i’m good as soon as i enter the comfort zone.

commitment phobes would love to have me for partner–while i demand time and attention, i don’t demand marriage.

i could live well into the relationship for years and years without ever bringing it up.

so about 3 years ago when habi began toying with the idea of he and i getting wed, i was adamant.

it took 2 more years for me to warm up to the idea that perhaps, it truly is the next stage in our relationship.

but you see, when couples start talking the M word, conflicts do arise, and we’re no exception.

when he and i started mulling over our future together, we subsequently wove plans and at this point, i guess i could say everything’s drawn.

but i’m in no rush.  he is.  and it would have been okay if…

one, he keeps insisting it happens this year BUT he couldn’t even muster enough courage to tell people at home.

two, he keeps insisting it happens this year BUT he still doesn’t want to commence with the preps.

mixed signals. cowardice.

we’re okay as we are.

we’re on our 7th year but we’re still enjoying every bit of our relationship as well, boyfriend-girlfriend.

so i don’t know why we have to talk about something he and i are clearly not ready for.

and i HATE it that he makes it appear that i’m the only one who isn’t ready when in fact, all things considered, i am more ready for this than he actually is.

i’ve a funny feeling that we’re breaking up this year.

i hope it doesn’t happen, but if it does, i guess it would be for the best.

the sign

it was the first thing i saw when i got to work this morning.

my name was scribbled neatly, his was just a doodle.

butterscotch.

excedrin.

i wasn’t even thrilled.

far from it.

but that was the sign i asked for.

and i got it.

and now the silence.

so i guess this is it.

pero no presscon muna.

i just hope people will stop saying it can be fixed.

in all honesty, i don’t think i want it to get fixed.

shaky

the past months saw me contemplating on moving yet again to another company.  but as always, i held back.  the worldwide economic crunch didn’t spare us from its wrath–the company decided to cut down on operational costs so they set their eyes on whoelse, but us! they slashed 20% of our salaries and took one day off the 5-day work week.  while i appreciate the additional rest day, it hurts seeing my paycheck get depleted that much. but what can i do? impulse told me to pack my things and leave but knowing how badly hit most companies are, i figured, it isn’t that worth the risk.  the first week had me feeling beat–i practically had to drag my ass off the bed every morning to go to work.  but as time wore on i felt kinda adjusted to the situation.  i just tell myself that i love writing and that i love the people i work with so i must stay.  hopefully, things will get better next month.

scorching hot!

i couldn’t even put lotion on my legs!  it’s way too hot today!

i wish i could go to the nearest pool and take a refreshing dip!

but sadly,  I AM BROKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i have to stay home and work!

where have they all gone?

ten.

nope.  this time this isn’t an anniversary post–well at least not one about habi and i.

but yeah, i guess you can say this is an anniversary post–it’s been 10 looooooong years since we graduated from college.  ang tanda na namin! i wonder where all my classmates have gone.  i particularly miss one–leah ann becerro!  god, what the hell happened to the fiery maldita?!  i wish i could find her online and ask how she’s coping with jordan knight coming out. i miss her. and oh, benjie too! and cathy amay!

i hope someday i’ll get to see them all again. the one thing i miss most about college is the friendship i had formed with people who up to now, i treasure.

convenience

he once said, “i love you because you’re so convenient to love.” 

i didn’t get it back then.  or perhaps i did, but in a different way.

now i totally understand.

when he needs me, he shows up.

when he wants something, he communicates.

convenience.

i’m so glad i’m completely over him.

he could no longer hurt me the way he used to.

the final adieu

heard it all in the past.

countless times.

but this time, i believe it’s for real.

it’s about time.

—

friendships do end.

reasons vary.

and sometimes, they simply don’t exist.

so while i’m left wondering what happened.

why it ended.

i could only sigh and take it as it is.

they’re gone.

just like that.

—

i hate changes.

i don’t adapt well.

i suck at adjustments.

—

sometimes the venom i spew is too much for my own good.