fuming mad

okay, so i don’t normally write in filipino but this time i will. because i’m fucking pissed off.   bakit ba kasi meron mga tao na selfish na, inconsiderate pa?  i am a bitch.  sobra.  my friends know that pero self-righteousness aside, yun yata ang hindi ako–selfish.  inconsiderate mejo pa nga eh, meron talaga times na wala rin ako pakialam sa ibang tao.  pero when it comes to people that i care about, their needs often come before mine.

nag-gagalaiti ako kasi the people involved are ones who are due utmost respect and consideration.  sobrang babait na mga tao sila.  when they welcome me into their home feeling ko nga minsan di ako worthy na i-treat nila ng sobrang ganda kasi nga i am also mean at times–pero never naman ako naging mean towards them.

nakakapikon na kasi.  dapat ba talaga sila lagi pingabibigyan? eh mabuti kung marunong din sila magbigay. kaso nga hindi.  wala nga silang consuelo de bobo eh!

sana lang talaga this time around natuto na sila and nagbago na for the better kasi nakakaawa talaga yung dalawa.  eh to think na sila dapat ang pinakikisamahan and di sila dapat ang nakikisama.

hay!  i just hope this time talaga may changes na kasi kung wala pa rin, naku i don’t think kaya ko pa mapigilan sarili ko na wag magsalita and makialam.  screw my lack of right to say my piece, may marinig lang ulit ako na hindi magandang ginawa sila, i’m raising hell talaga.

for now mag-observe muna ako and proproblemahin ko muna mag-hanap ng hotel for the weekend.

sabi nga ni nanay kung pwede lang ampunin na muna n’ya si habi. hahaha.

the lame needs crutches

When people ask me why I still don’t want to get married, my answers usually vary depending on who’s asking.  But the truth of the matter is—the only reason I still feel unready to say ‘I do’ is—I can’t leave home yet.  Okay, edit that.  I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE HOME yet. 

I guess I’ve written about this before.  I love being in my comfort zone and that comfort zone is home.  While I imagine myself transforming into a little misis— starting a home of own with habi, performing little wifely duties and god-willing, becoming a mom to diego and sadie, I still can’t envision myself coming home every night and not finding nanay, chingan and the rest of my family there.

I can’t even imagine myself lying in another bed at night—as far as I’m concerned, nothing compares to my hard and sturdy top bunk—not even a bed with habi in it.

And while I do love cooking, I just don’t think I could part from nanay’s cooking just yet.  For some reason, her adobo just tastes better than mine or any other person’s version. 

And of course, chingan.

I still can’t seem to warm up to the idea that she’s no longer a baby.  She still is and will always be my baby.  And I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to let her go.  I don’t even know if I could last a month not seeing her.

So, where is this coming from?

Well, I just realized that I don’t want to get married yet because I promised myself that I’ll do everything in my power NOT to end up like couples I know who jumped into marriage then ended up pestering their parents because they couldn’t stand on their own.

And by that I don’t refer to just the financial aspect of running one’s own family.

The day I get married—granting that I get married because I wanted to—is the day I leave home. 

While I do not intend to detach myself from my family, I deem that it’s for my husband and mine’s best interest to run a home of our own.  Ideal, it is. I just don’t think I could run the risk of experiencing friction among those concerned. 

Of course, habi and I won’t be entirely on our own because we’ll definitely take his parents with us.  I would love to take care of them.  I just don’t think they should be left behind—no one will take better care of them but habi. 

I live on a payday-to-payday basis with no real savings.  I am a picky eater.  I sweat the small stuff—I hate it when the bathroom gets filthy.  I need to have a steady supply of Joy dishwashing liquid.  I freak out when the dishes are left on the sink.  Little pitfalls drive me nuts.

There has to be something inside the fridge that I like just in case I didn’t want the food on the table.

I almost always run out of money so I often raid nanay’s wallet (and daddy’s when he was still alive).

I don’t think I’m ready to say goodbye to all these yet—so unless I’m ready to stand on my own and not run to nanay for my every need and whim, I don’t think I’ll be leaving my comfort zone anytime soon.

The last thing I want is to pack my things then find myself going back home just because I couldn’t stand this and that…

Marriage is a tremendous responsibility.  And admittedly, I suck at handling such. 

I don’t want to rush things just because I’m afraid I’m already getting older.

I don’t want to tie the knot just because habi already wants to.

I will get married only when I am ready and capable of being on my own.

I will get married when I am already willing and able to run my life independently.

I need to find the strength to stand on my own before I could marry the man I’ve chosen to spend the rest of my life with.

prayers do work

yesterday i was supposed to blog about something i truly detest.  i even had ma read it on ym.  i was so close to having it published when i got an sms from habi about the subject of my would-have-been blog entry.

now i’m beyond thankful that i didn’t lash out yesterday.  before i wrote what i scribbled,i prayed for discernment and for courage to hold back a little and not let my emotions get the better of me. 

and it paid off.  as it turned out, they didn’t need to get a hold of my blog to figure out what they needed to do.  perhaps, the discernment i prayed for was given to them as well. 

now i’m praying once more.

i’m praying that i may be able to forgive them for hurting the people that i care about.  i’m praying that the big leap they’re about to take would be the start of the ‘healing’ process.