EXasperated

i’ve always been friends with my exes–except with my first.

i find no reason being hostile towards people who were once part of my life.

i am twisted that way.

among my exes, i am closest to the guy who walked out of my life without bothering to say a word because apparently, he didn’t have the guts to tell me he’s leaving the country for good and that i wasn’t included in any of his plans.

it took some time before i finally got over him.

after a year or so, he reappeared and we have since become friends.

close friends.

we confide in each other.

he calls me from time to time and yes, i do call him too.

we email each other, we chat.

YES, we chat.

in fact, yesterday we had one of our online rendezvous.

hi, hello, how have you been…yadayadayada.

then out of nowhere i got this:

him:  i’m cheating on my wife.

me:  say that again–

him:  i know, it’s awful…i’m cheating on my wife.

me:  you’re demented.

him:  it’s crazy i know…and you’re gonna kill me if i tell you who my wife thinks i’m cheating with…

me:  no way!  i’m thousands of miles away!

him:  well…

me:  really now–me?!

him:  i sort of led her to believe…

me:  what?!  you sort of LED her to BELIEVE that you’re CHEATING ON HER WITH ME?!

him:  i’m sorry she just thought that there was more to…

me:  and you think i’m just gonna let you get away with this?!

him:  i’m sorry, okay?  i just…i had to…it’s just more, i dunno…

me:  convenient to admit that you’re cheating on her with me?!

him:  yeah…but please understand…

me:  hell no!  how could you?! 

the rest of our conversation i’d rather not write about.

i felt betrayed.

i was a good friend to him.

i get up in the middle of the night just to hear him out each time he’s having trouble with his wife.

i spend a good amount of money texting with him everytime he’d ask me to keep in touch with him so ‘he would stay sane’ as he puts it.

i go to lunch with him when he’s in town.

we down vodka together when he’s around.

but NEVER did it enter my mind that he could do this to me.

i mean, this is worse than actually having an affair with him.

now i wonder what his wife thinks of me?

a horrible whore who wrecked her home.

good grief!

i swear i must have been naughty–i must have been a bit of a flirt but cheating with somebody else’s husband is a line i would never dare cross.

i hate it that i couldn’t even defend myself.  i have nothing to do with this mess–i have nothing to do with the pain he has inflicted on his wife.

i don’t have a hand in what’s happening to this marriage.

but i want my name to be cleared.

fast.

and only one person can do that.

you know who you are.

don’t make me call ashley.

you don’t know what i’m capable of doing.

events of the past weeks made me realize…

…that krispy kreme can mend a relationship

…that i shouldn’t marry (yet)

…that if i do get married soon, i’d be homeless

…that the captain no longer cares for me

…that fascination doesn’t necessarily lead to attraction

you don’t need to tell me i’m stupid, i’m well aware of that

i lost my wallet yesterday.

it has almost all of my IDs, cash, pictures and other important stuff.

i dunno exactly how i lost it.

before i went to work i dropped by SM to buy bread.  after my bread purchase i headed to Watson’s to buy something.  i took money from my wallet and paid.  left.  took a cab.

when we were cruising down quirino avenue i asked the driver if he has change for 500.  he said yes.  i instinctively groped for my wallet in my bag.  i couldn’t feel it so i looked inside and it’s nowhere to be found!

i checked the cab thinking i must have dropped it when i got in but it wasn’t there.

when i got to the office i immediately texted habi darwin.

he replied asking me how i lost it and what happened.  i told him what transpired and he said he couldn’t believe i lost my wallet just like that.

i felt really weak and disappointed.  i knew it was stupid of me not to have noticed if someone had gotten it from my bag or if i dropped it somewhere.

i really dunno how it happened.   

i asked darwin to call me up.

he did.

and what did i get?

our conversation went this way–in verbatim:

me:  habi di ko alam how it happened basta alam ko lang i used it pa to buy something from watson’s.  i took money from it then returned the change. 

habi:  eh paano nawala?

me:  i dunno baka nahulog, hinanap ko naman sa cab wala.

habi:  habi naman!  lagi ka na lang ganyan!

me:  habi, nanghihina ako…di nga ko masyado nakakain ng lunch…

habi:  dapat lang! nawalan ka ng ganyan ganyan lang!

the remainder of the conversation that ensued i’d rather keep to myself.

i felt really bad.

first, he didn’t show concern.

he should have asked me how i managed to pay the cab.  if i had lunch money.  if i’ve any left for fare later.

all he did was blame me for being stupid.

it’s as though i dangled my wallet like it was up for grabs.

my friend jaie was such a darling.  he even offered to fetch  me.

the captain expressed concern too.

everyone actually.

except him–darwin.

i was so furious i cried.

things like this make me think differently of him.

i hate him.