i can’t think of any title

in highschool, there was cheryl salamanca.

she was beauty and brains.

the type everyone who’d like to be friends with.

everyone except me.

she was nice.  witty. warm.

she was friends with my friends.

the girl was fun to be with.

and anyone who’s fun in my book is a must-have on my list.

but i just don’t like being around her. 

my theory was that, she was everything i wasn’t.

***

in college there was monty’s bestfriend sunshine.

unlike cheryl, i just didn’t find this girl fun at all.

and i guess, we shared something in common–animosity towards each other.

i never really made an effort to make friends with her.

she and i just weren’t on the same page.

my theory was that, she was everything i wasn’t.

***

dinds used to tell me there are people like that–people you hardly get along well.  people you feel indifferent to.

i guess i was the master of indifference.

‘mabigat kasama’ was another description he gave me.

and i agree.  on both accounts, i agree.

but the thing is, with cheryl then, i could actually laugh at her jokes, and marvel at her antics.

but i just didn’t feel comfortable with her.

with sunshine, it was different.

i simply don’t like her exclamation point.

and i told monty that.

i just hated it when she’s around.

and no, i’m no attention whore.

‘mabigat lang talaga pariramdam pag kasama s’ya.’

and i apologize to both of them because that was just really mean of me to feel that way.

but i couldn’t help it.

i’m crazy that way.

***

now years after cheryl and sunshine, i thought i’d never come across a person i’d love to despise for no apparent reason until she came.

sorry, no names this time.

well, actually–i didn’t despise her agad.

it was more of–uhm, how do i put it?

AA.

acquired animosity.

alright, too strong.

acquired dislike.

AD.

she was alright when i first met her.  i thought she was someone i’d really love to be friends with…

BUT…

after hearing things about her and experiencing them firsthand, i knew cheryl and sunshine got company.

well, actually, she never really did anything that might have led to me hating her–it’s just that, there were things she did to people i care about that made me feel like wanting to strangle her on more than one occasion. 

i wasn’t exaggerating.

there were just too many things that we don’t agree on.

too many differences.

and she has ways of doing things that just don’t sit well with me.

and i’m trying my best to try to be rational and calm and…

okay, maybe i wasn’t trying too hard…

but the thing is, i do try to make an effort to reach out and try to be civil towards her…

heck, i would even go as far as trying to become her friend.  a true one at that…

but we just don’t seem to jibe.

we just repel each other.

and what’s troubling me is that, unlike che and sunshine who were just thrown in to the picture in a certain stage of my life–this one will most likely be a part of my life forever.

again, i’m not exaggerating.

so i dunno.

maybe, i could pretend that i like her.

love her even.

because i need to.

but should i really trouble myself that much?

i guess not.

sorry, but crazy me can also be evil me.

my quest for a tiny waisline and a flat tummy part 2

i’ll be hitting the beach next weekend.

so i have no choice but to go on a diet–a healthy diet.

i only have a few days to win the battle against the bulge.

hopefully, i could muster enough courage to turn my back on chocolates and junk food and sweets and my fatty faves and of course–evil, evil rice!

parting is always painful but this time i just can no longer hold on to my relationship with lapid’s, and royce, and toblerone, and razon’s and everything sweet, salty, spicy and greasy!

i’m trying to make friends with lettuce and tomato.

in the days to come they’ll keep me company.

so i could once again wear something sexy.

sigh.

p.s. i’ve rekindled my relationship with TT too…and daily, i’m having a date with the captain’s chair.

does this mean we’re over?

after what happened last night i actually saw this coming.

okay–i asked for it.

‘don’t call or text me.’

and he did just that.

he didn’t text me this morning.

and he hasn’t called.

you know what scares me?

i am actually feeling indifferent about this whole thing.

it’s like, i no longer give a damn.

and oh–for someone whose plan of getting wed had just vanished into thin air, i think i’m handling this quite well.

how well?

i snogged with someone else in my dream last night.

and he’s someone i used to have the hots for back in high school.

yeah–benedick, if you’re reading this–i’m talking about ‘rum.’

the ‘hot rum’ back in the days.

not the daddyfied rum of today.

p.s. i only have one concern–if this is indeed a real breakup then i’m gonna need someone to watch harry potter with this saturday!

anyone care to join me?

i’m serious!

derailed

habi and i fought last night.

and i dunno if we could still patch things up.

was i at fault?

i guess i was.

on second thought, we both were.

we argued about stuff.

stuff and people.

and now we’re not talking.

which is better i guess–because hopefully the silence between us could help clear both our minds.

***

the past months saw me checking out wedding sites.  ogling on melissa sweet and vera wang gowns.  talking about going ebony come my altar date.  reading feedbacks on caterers and other stuff.  talking to my friends about the possibility of me getting hitched soon.

everything came to a halt last night.

whatever plans we had are now history.

because the truth of the matter is, i don’t think we’re ready for this.

i don’t think I AM ready for this.

there–i admitted it.

and this time i realized where my reluctance is stemming from.

i have lived a fairly comfortable life.  a sheltered existence.

i live in a  home where everything i’ve ever needed is within my reach.  where everyone i love and care for are close by.  where my every whim is fulfilled. 

and i couldn’t let that go.

i am a lover of comfort.

anything less than what i enjoy right now would be hell for me.

getting married would mean starting over.

building new relationships.

strengthening new ties.

getting acquainted with both the good and the harsh realities of married life.

i have so many qualms and questions.

the foremost of which is, where will we live?

i’ve always told myself that i will never be at ease living with other people. 

it just wouldn’t sit well with me.

however, when i met habi and i got to know his parents i had a change of heart.

they are wonderful people and i get along well with them so i figured if habi and i tie the knot and he decides to live with them, i’ll be okay with it…

BUT…his brother and his family also ‘live’ there.  and i don’t think they’ll ever move out so that only means one thing–if habi and i were to get married, we should find a place of our own–which, to me, is the IDEAL set-up (read:  this is what i want!)

habi said no.

he told me that they know what the arrangement would be once we’re married.  we’ll be staying in their house, with his parents.  his brother will move out.

simple, eh?

not really.  because his parents are crazy about their grandson and i have this feeling they couldn’t part from him. and from the looks of it, his brother’s never leaving home.

so after the party, the new mr. & mrs. would be homeless.

i dread that thought.

and i’m never letting that happen.

i’d rather STAY SINGLE and enjoy the comforts of living at home with my family.

friction is inevitable and that’s what i’m trying to avoid.

they are all wonderful people and i could imagine having a blissful relationship with them–but not under the same roof.

i told habi, he has two options.

one, to straighten things out and have his cards laid out on the table as to who is staying and who is leaving.

or two, to find a place of our own as early as now.

his parents could live with us.

i’m NEVER having them do my laundry. or send them to market.

they will be spoiled.

i may be bitchy and bratty but i love them and i WILL take care of them.

kinks. kinks. kinks.

i dunno if we’ll ever get to iron them.

for now, chingan can smile.

i’m not marrying anytime soon.

anxious is the word

i dunno what’s with me but each time i check her profile i get goosebumps all over me.

please don’t tell me it’s the green-eyed monster again.

i’ve no time for that.

as kami puts it, i’m the one trying to inflict non-existent pain to myself.

doubts. doubts. doubts.

get off my head, will you?

ring

‘the telephone becomes an instrument of torture in the hands of a beloved who wouldn’t ring.’

for chrissakes, it’s 917-856-4***!

hahaha. i’m pathetic! 

sometimes a girl needs to be rescued

i miss the captain.

and wenwen.

and dinds.

and yes, even this man.

because they have one thing in common–apart from the obvious–they WERE always there when i needed them.

and in one point in my life they have ‘rescued’ my inner damsel in distress.

sadly, none of them is around to help me this time around.

***

i am officially UGLY.

i dunno what happened to my face but i got this horrible pigmentation on both cheeks.

i suspect this has something to do with the stinging sensation i felt when i went for a dip at the beach last saturday.

my skin must have reacted badly to the water.

or it could be the heat–perhaps i got scorched or something.

i’m off to see dra. guzman on saturday.

my self-esteem is on a nosedive.