choke

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction." -Chuck Palahniuk

let.it.go

Let it go for 2007

by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19] People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead. You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth….. LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to…… LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!! LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

"The

Battle

is the Lord’s!"

yadayadayada

I caught the bug Thursday and until now I’m still coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose nonstop.

It’s that bad.

I lost my voice Saturday, got it back Monday morning—now, I still sound awful. 

I’ve  some mike-holding to do Monday for lei’s walk down the aisle but I’m having second thoughts because of my voice.

I don’t want to scare people at the reception.

***

With all the hassle lei’s going through, I came up with a plan—if and when I decide to marry I’ll make sure I’ll have things planned and prepared a year before the big day.

Or I’ll get a hired hand to do everything.

I better get me a filthy rich wedding partner.

Or habi—with his hands cuffed while I drain out his wallet.

***

Habi just bought a car.

I asked him to lend it to me on Monday.

He said I couldn’t have it for some reason.

He texted me this Sunday morning: ‘Habi, we have a car na!’

I have a feeling that car will never be ‘ours’—I don’t even think it’s his now.

***

I sent wrong signals to someone.

Because I flirted a little.  Texted too much.

It scared the hell out of him.

He thought I’d fall for him.

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups, dear.

I could text with you every second. 

Engage you in mental foreplay. 

Laugh at your lamest jokes. 

Shower you with sweet nothings. 

But I guarantee you, I won’t fall for you.

Never.

I only fell prey to sweet words and caring antics twice.

Once with someone who wrote me letters that can put the best poets to shame and whose accent makes me tingle every time.

The second time with a 40-something executive whose wit takes me to orgasmic heights.

I go for substance, dear.

Don’t be afraid, I don’t bite.

You’re just eye candy to me.  

luv this!

The “No Contact” Contract:

I hereby pledge that I will not prolong my anguish by attempting to contacting my ex or to orchestrate any elaborate “accidental” meeting with him or her. My healing has now begun and I will avoid re-opening those wounds like I would avoid a bear trap in the woods. I promise that, by “contacting my ex” I mean every single form of communication from IM, to chat boards, to friends passing messages, to sending smoke signals from yonder mountain. I will not call or write, I will not try to reach him/her through the spirit world, and I will not think about my ex. Okay, I probably will think about my ex… quite a bit in fact. But I promise that this phenomenon will diminish over time.

Signed: (Your Name Here) __________________________________

Dated: (Today’s Date Here) _________________________________

whirling round and round

i’m flirting with disaster again.  when will i ever learn?  i always fall prey to hasty decision-making.  sooner or later i will have to pay the price for all the poor choices i’ve made.  i dunno what’s with me, it seems that everything is falling apart. i don’t want to be pessimistic but i just dunno where to draw optimism from anymore. 

———

spending two days in quezon cleared my mind a bit.  the lush scenery, the scent of fresh air, the soothing caress of the flowing river, the touch of velvety sand…

———

but when i got back monday my thoughts wandered anew…

him

again.

i have so much to thank the asean summit for.

but when it’s over…

god!

———

‘ditto’

damned.  one word.  it just took one word.

he’s playing tricks on my mind AGAIN.

but i won’t allow him to ever toy with my heart again.

———

i’ve made a choice a year ago.

i know whose heart i could bear breaking.

or so i thought…

numb or dumb

traders. circles. gym. shangri-la. planes. airports. nina. kim. julius. mama. papa. emily. skoro. hotel. asean. flights. cebu. mactan. PAL. cebu pacific. breakfast. dinner. lunch. cabs. meetings. weather. computers. issues. politics. labradors. sex. seminars. ex-wife. swimming. bacolod. trips. kuala lumpur. singapore. putrijaya. departures. arrivals.  seat numbers. blood orange juice. crabs. ties. sheets. text messages. mms. staff…

and the list goes on and on…

it’s tiring sometimes.

a part of me wants it all to stop.

a bigger part of me, doesn’t.

i’m nuts.

idle

text.chat.surf.

this is soooooooo not making me happy.

i need to work. W-O-R-K.

i need to get my mind off horrible things.

i need to be productive.

someone hire me please!

destination unknown

christmas, over.  new year’s day, over.

where to?

i dunno just yet.

things are pretty shaky.  i’m trying to be optimistic about  a better year ahead but so far i don’t like what i’m seeing.

every aspect of my life seems to be a little giddy–unsteady.

career.  family life.  love life.

everything.

i’ve always been so sure of myself.  of what i want.  of where i’m going.  of what to do.  but now i feel like floating in a sea of uncertainty.  it’s tormenting me.

i’ve so many issues.  so many things are bothering me and i just feel helpless.  yes, me–helpless.  there.  for the first time in my life, i admit it.  i am helpless.  i feel so small.  i feel trapped.  it’s as though i’m just waiting for the blows to hit me and knock me down.  suddenly i’m not so brave anymore. i’ve become a coward overnight.

i’m in need of a  hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on—the stuff that every damsel in distress yearns for. 

no, this isn’t about my petty issues.  this is about deep, unresolved issues that have resurfaced overtime.  issues that have been hounding me for years.  issues that i’ve tried so hard not to pay attention to.  but now, i can no longer contain them.  they seem to have a life of their own, trying to consume me.

i’m carrying on.  i’m still up on my feet.  but i dunno exactly where i’m going.

i’m lost.