sad

daddy’s still sick.  he’s back in the hospital for i dunno how long this time.  he has lost weight and is very, very weak.  it pains me just looking at him.  last night i cried to habi–it’s just so frustrating to see him suffer the way he does.  he’s 77 and i know that most people his age are already weak and sick but it never crossed my mind that daddy will go through this–he was strong and fit.  he used to jog every morning.  i honestly thought he’d live to a hundred-plus-plus without ever getting sick.  i thought my daddy’s an ironman.  but i was wrong.

cirrhosis of the liver.

mild–or at least that’s how i want it to be.

he got it from excessive alcohol intake in the past.

his tummy has ballooned.  they couldn’t even perform endoscopy because he has ascites (fluid retained in the abdomen) and it would be extremely difficult for him to go through the procedure.  plus, his cardiologist advised us to just ‘wait and see’ if his tummy’s gradually going to get smaller.  what’s making everything worse is that i don’t think he’s trying to fight this–it broke my heart when he said he no longer wants to get well.

i guess his threshold for pain is just way too low.  he couldn’t stand being in pain but instead of trying to be strong, he dwells in the pain and babies his sickness.

i’m trying to take things lightly but last night i broke down when i was talking with habi on the phone.  i realized one thing:  i love daddy despite the many fights we had.  in spite of every little argument we had.  the thought of him never recovering from this illness tears at me.

if and when he gets better i swear i’ll never get ticked off when he asks me questions repeatedly.

i swear i’ll never get ticked off when he asks me to stop hogging the phone.

i swear i’ll never get ticked off when he makes a fuss about me and habi spending too much time together.

i swear i’ll be more patient with him.

i swear i’ll try to give in to his lambings for shubongs.

i swear i’ll try to be a better daughter.

i’ll try to be less of a brat and be more considerate of him.

i know i don’t pray to ask for anything.

but this time i will.

i ask for daddy to get well.

i ask that he’d be the same daddy who wakes up early and jogs at 4am each day.

i ask that he’d be the same dady who drives my chingan to school every morning.

i ask that he’d be the same daddy who argues with me over everything.

i ask that he’d be the same daddy who cooks sumptuous kare-kare, caldereta and bulalo for us.

i ask that he’d be the same daddy who messes up the kitchen everytime.

i’d rather him back to his annoying ways than see him suffer like this.

i know i don’t show it, but i love daddy.

i do.

attack of the crotches

i’ve been attacked.

by crotches.

crotch after crotch after crotch.

it happened last week as i was ascending the stairs of the mrt station in mantrade.

a zillion men descended as i ascended.

as i went up step after step, crotch came after crotch.

it was like swimming in a sea of crotches.

i couldn’t breathe!

the sheer thought of bumping into those ‘bumps’ horrified me.

one, two, three…ten!  or maybe even twenty or more than twenty!  thirty even!

construction worker crotch.  call center agent crotch. yuppie crotch.  messenger crotch.

fatso crotch. malnourished crotch.

they came in full force! 

it would have been a feast for benedick’s eyes. 

he would have had a great time sizing ‘em up!

but it was too much for me.

having crotches say hello to my face is not one of my favorite things in the world.

unless…never mind.

i’ve outgrown antonio sabato jr. and his calvin klein days.

thank you very much.

random stuff

daddy’s still in the hospital.  we still don’t know when they’ll have him undergo endoscopy.  his tummy has gotten enormous.  fluid and gas. 

my lips and the surrounding skin got discolored.  black lips. dark spots on my lower cheeks and chin.  thanks to halloween makeup that made my skin go ballistic.

i am broke.

i think something’s wrong between me and habi–i dunno exactly what it is but i have a feeling…a very bad feeling that something’s not quite right.

i have a new eye candy:  chad of PDA.

someone’s toying around with my emotions.  tricky, very tricky.

i feel sick.

i totally sucked last friday–i blew a huge opportunity.

the outreach is near and NOBODY seems to care.  only me and gem are talking about it.

wednesday

i haven’t blogged in a long time.  no, i haven’t been busy.  i’m far from being busy.  it’s just that nothing interesting’s been going on.  the outreach will be a month from now and i haven’t gotten any response from people i asked help from.  so that means gem, mimay, lei, bevs, mommy and i–and possibly tina will have out hands full this time.  i haven’t met with the girls to discuss how much we are willing to spend for the event, how the program will run and what gifts to give the kids.  we have 30 more days to get our asses to decide and work on that.

————

come friday i’m going to face a life-changing situation–the outcome of which will decide my blog’s fate.  and my wallet’s too.  and the holidays i may or may not end up enjoying. i’m leaving it all up to the Boss.  He knows what’s best for me.

————

my little witch has taken off her holloween costume to wear a new one.  she’ll be dressed as a nurse this friday.  too bad i won’t be around to see her parade in her pristine nurse garb complete with a cedars-sinai pin and cap.  my chingan’s oh so charming!

————

i bumped into rose ocana last night at the lrt station (EDSA).  she yelled out my name and i was all too glad to see her.  she looks a lot better now.  and i’m happy that she’s doing well in her job. contrary to what other people think, i treasure everyone i came across with–old friends, classmates, colleagues, former workmates, everyone!  i never snub them.  but as a rule of thumb, i never approach or smile at anyone first.  i have to be approached and be smiled at first. see, i’m not a snob! :)  seriously, i’m always happy to see old friends and acquaintances at the most unexpected time in the most unexpected places. 

————

yesterday, habi went to the house to give chingan her costume and hand nanay my vitamins and my jacket.  he buys my vitamins.  adorable, isn’t he?  in the four years that we’ve been together habi has been more than a boyfriend to me.  he’s been my bestfriend, my movie buddy, my pig-out partner,   my go-to-guy, my lover, my confidante, my slave!  hahaha!  i am so blessed to have him in my life. he’s made my existence an extra-happy one!

————

i do not resist marriage.

i am not against it.

it’s just that i don’t think i’m ready for it YET.

there.

mauie blogged the reasons why she loves being married here.

i agree with her.

it must be really cool to be one’s ‘other half.’

maybe someday i’ll become one.

but right now i’m just as happy being a miss still.

i also get my daily–no, make it hourly dose of ‘I LOVE YOUs’.

and i also have my own 24/7 bestfriend.

and no one else makes me feel more loved and important than habi does.

and i’m also happy to be in a partnership of two individuals who love each other and respect each other’s individuality.

thanks to mauie, mavic, mheanne and all my other friends who reacted violently and otherwise to my ‘twisted’ views on marriage.

in all honesty, hearing the M word has stopped making me cringe.

i’m warming up to the idea, really.

just you wait guys.

can’t help it i’m having ab cramps!

Down There by Sandra Cisneros

who am i?

i AM a Sex and the City fan.

kami, my friend is also one.

so i asked her–am i a carrie? a samantha? a miranda? or a charlotte?

charlotte’s out of the question.

am i a carrie?

carrie and i both write.

i used to have a mr. big in my life.

and a russian too.

but no, there’s no way i’m ending up with my mr. big.

because i’m happy with my aidan.

am i a miranda?

i have commitment issues.

and like miranda i’m also a control freak.

and i can be judgemental too.  very.

and i’m very independent.

i may appear stoic but i have my ’sugar ‘n spice ‘n everythin’ nice’ side too.

so, in  a way, i’ve a little bit of miranda in me.

now–am i a samantha?

i don’t fuck a dozen and one men.

i surely don’t have a friar fuck.

but yes, i once have known a ‘richard’.

but i never had a ’smith’.

i used to have a problem with monogamy–but since my ‘aidan’ came into my life, i’ve changed (at least to my belief and better judgement, i have).

still, kami insists i’m a samantha.

her argument: 

can you really be tied down with just one person for the rest of your life and resist someone who’s way better, hotter, smarter and nicer?

that got me thinking.

heck, yes!

i can.

i have done so for four years.

okay–maybe not the entire four years but…

i think i’m a miranda with a little bit of carrie.

and a dash of samantha.

sigh.

bad, bad tuesday!

i’m having a bad day.

blame it on gem for keeping me up till 1am so i can listen to her whine and rant.

kidding.

i’m having such a bad day because:

1.  i rode a cab to work and i got fucking overcharged!  double my usual fare!

2.  i had a luli experience at the bank!

3.  stupidus maximus!  i dunno where i placed my ‘last’ P1000 bill!

4.  i got this message last night: ‘i know and i understand.  you’re in a relationship and i respect that.  but it wouldn’t stop me from caring for you. i love you because you’re so convenient to love.  i know i can’t have you and it’s great because it’s the best scenario i could think of. call me crazy but that’s just the way i want it.  i admire you, i care for you, i can’t have you.  i get to see other people.  it’s just perfect.’ WHAT THE FUCK? ‘I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO CONVENIENT TO LOVE’???!!! i couldn’t for the life of me understand what he’s trying to tell me!  he and i are not an item.  i have a boyfriend.  a boyfriend that i love.  and i would NEVER leave my boyfriend just to be with him–and that makes me ‘convenient to love’?

i have a gun right now i would shoot 4 people:

the cab driver

the bank teller

me

HIM

i need tons of chocolates today. everybody get out of my way.   

nuts ’bout tying the knot

aiko will say ‘i do’ come december. 

i still couldn’t imagine her walking down the aisle.

the thought of a sophie getting married is just a bit absurd–sue me!

and now, lei!

she dropped the news to me as casually as possible.

‘when he comes home this january we’re getting married.’

lei.  getting married. after aiko. my two friends are tying the knot.

lei.  marriage. aiko. marriage.

they said ‘yes’.

they are going to be wives.

yes, wives.

they are SOPHIES.

and yes, they are getting married.

they have the ‘marriage bone’ in their body.

lei had rashes–very carrie bradshawish. 

but unlike carrie, the rashes didn’t change her mind–she’s still getting married.

***

conversation through SMS:

me:  why is everybody getting married?

gem:  i have the same sentiments.

me:  why is it so easy for them to decide (about getting married)?

gem:  i think i’ts because we’re not getting any younger and they think they’re super in love.

whew!

we’re all in the same age bracket.

we’re not getting ‘any’ younger–BUT we’re not really ‘OLD,’ old.

we’re in our 20’s still.

they’re SUPER in love.

i am in love.

i am ALWAYS IN LOVE.

why the hell am i freaking out?

because unlike them i couldn’t say YES yet. yet. yet.

yes, there’s a YET in my previous statement.

after exchanging messages with gem i sought the opinion of someone i know could enlighten me better: benedick.

mel: girl. why is everyone getting married?!
benedick: i dnt knw
mel: lei is getting married this january!
mel: michelle in december
benedick: wat d hell!
mel: why is it so easy for them to decide?
benedick: lei with dAT PLM GUY?
mel: i mean–what if unlike them i don’t have the ‘marriage bone’ in my body?
mel: yes, lorence
benedick: u knw y it’s hard 4us… coz we’re SCORPIONS!
mel: lei barely knows the guy–i mean–he must be really nice and all but it’s like, ‘boom! okay, i’m getting married!’
benedick: hey! stop!thinking ’bout it! urs shall come
mel: that’s the problem–what if unlike them i’m never gonna be ready?
mel: darwin’s asked me many, many times! and i always end up saying, ‘we’ll see!’ mel: what the hell is wrong with me?
mel: i want to be wed–i’m not sure i want to be married!
benedick: mela! be open minded abt it! it’s their choice
benedick: wat d hell is wrong with me too?
mel: yes, i know and i’m happy for them–but i just don’t understand y i can’t be like them!
benedick: mela God hs plans for Us
benedick: it may seem unclear at this time… Bt YES we’ll get there
mel: the thought of marriage makes me cringe! i want to walk down the aisle, wear a vera wang, a jimmy choo and yet–i don’t want to be a wife!!!
mel: I DON’T WANT TO BE A WIFE!!!
benedick: dnt u ever compare urself with them… ul  be at the losing end…
mel: i want a wedding, not a marriage!
mel: i guess i’m not normal after all!
benedick: i dnt want to be a WIFE either, haha!
benedick: i want SEX nt a wedding!
benedick: joke!
mel: hahaha!
mel: i guess we’re born to f***, never marry! hehehehe!
mel: exactly–maybe unlike them we only see marriage as a license to f***! hahaha!
benedick: Mela stop rubbing it in! In tym we’ll reach dat point!
benedick: Luv u friend!
benedick: Hahhaha!
benedick: baliw!
benedick: hey! let’s just wish them hapiness girl!
mel: yes, and i’m helping lei out with the preparations
benedick: we all hv our needs… it’s just that, this time… we dn’t see d rison for marriage yet
benedick: it shall come!

it was indeed very enlightening.

i just emailed lei my list of wedding suppliers.

yes, i have a list of wedding suppliers.

for future reference.

i dunno when that future is.

cesar and i once had a bet.

i told him he’s not the marrying type.

he said he is, i’m not.

i lost because he got married.

i’m not gonna let him win by not getting married myself.

maybe that’s enough motivation for me.

i am getting married too.

i just cringed as i typed that.

sigh.

i’m seriously demented.