torn

"having a boyfriend is like having a good bra–it’s all about support."

two special people will be celebrating their birthdays come october.  two of my bestest girlfriends.  one i had a falling out sometime ago over something really stupid (when it involves a guy it’s handsdown STUPID!) and the other i had a row with because of a petty misunderstanding gone bad.

we’re okay now.

and come saturday, these two lovely souls along with five others are set to party at gem’s place not only to celebrate her and mimay’s birthdays but to throw aiko a little ’shower’ of sorts!

hell, yes!  it’s confirmed!  a sophie is walking down the aisle!

aiko!

come december.

but i won’t talk about it yet–there ought to be a full entry on that.

so, where was i? ah, yes–the saturday party.  i’m going. i wouldn’t miss it for the world.

BUT…

habi’s not too thrilled.

no, he’s definitely not a wet blanket.

and no, he’s not the kind of boyfriend who’d stop me from seeing my friends.

he’s uber cool. (hate it when i use that! hehe!)

and i’m no pushover.

the thing is, habi and i had prior plans.

and i forgot everything about ‘em.

a baby shower we’re attending in the afternoon.

and a little ’something special’ to attend come nighttime.

i guess i must have missed my girlfriends so much.

so, i think the best solution is to enter a compromise.

half-half.

half the day i’ll be with habi and his family for the baby shower.

half the day i’ll be with my friends–chugging down booze and talking about boys!

i dunno if i could pull it off.

or if habi’s amenable to this.

i keeping my fingers crossed.

i’m torn.

i wanna be with habi.

i wanna be with the sophies.

i wish i could split myself in two.

================

It’s the friend you can call at

4 a.m.

that matters.

Marlene Dietrich

I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.
Robert Brault

Men kick friendship around like a football but it doesn’t seem to crack.  Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.

Anne Morrow Lindberg

You go from love to loathing to hate to resentment, and then it all fades out and hopefully you’re left with friendship.
Stephanie Beacham

A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.
Pam Brown

There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without self-interests. This is a bitter truth.
Chanakya

blood orange juice

i just finished sipping blood orange juice.

it was good.

but the memories it brought back made me feel sick.

it had me longing for something i shouldn’t even be thinking of anymore.

it made me ask questions i’ve long resigned not to answer.

it awakened in me feelings i’ve tried so hard to forget about.

now i’m starting to feel like a moth lured to the light again.

tears

i’ve become one of the girls i used to hate.

the ones who cry about almost everything.

yeah–including bad hair days.

but my crying didn’t have anything to do with having a bad hair day.

everyday’s a bad hair day for me.  i’ve gotten used to it.

i don’t waste tears over my hair.

i don’t cry easily.

only three things make me cry.

extreme happiness.

extreme sadness.

frustration.

i rarely cry when someone dies.

i rarely cry when i get my heart broken.

i have this twisted notion that i am emotionally invincible.

but today i was stripped of my emotional armor.

i’ve officially become a crying lady.

i cried over this:

mel: need help with anything? don’t have anything to work on today

captain: i need 50 thousand

mel: for what?

captain: for my need

mel: i wish i have that amount

captain: so why ask what for? does knowing the purpose make a difference?

mel: okay–i’ll shut up

mel: i hate how u just made me feel

captain: sorry but i am always in a rush.

i cried not because i couldn’t give him 50 thousand.  first of, he doesn’t need it.  alright, maybe he needs it but i’m certain he knows where to get it.  secondly, he’ll never ask my help financially. 

what pisses me off frustrates me is that he was so curt.   that he seems to not care about my feelings. 

sometimes he’s so damn numb.

or maybe it’s me who’s numb.

and dumb–for that matter.

one drop.  one single drop of tear.  that was all i shed.

and i do not intend to shed more.

yes, i was hurt.

yes, it was trivial.

yes, i’m being such a cry baby.

yes, i’m making a big fuss about nothing.

but ranting about it makes me feel better.

and i’m not done yet.

mel: i hate it that u have actually made me cry!

captain: sorry

not done yet.

i heart channing

i watched ’step up’ last saturday and i’d say i loved it.  story’s way too simple.  i don’t like the female lead that much.  the early scenes were a bit dragging.  but i loved it–thanks to my man of the moment:  channing tatum!

this guy first caught my attention when he was cast opposite amanda bynes in ’she’s the man’–he’s HOT! 

i’ve this thing for skin-head guys and i sooooo love his eyes!  and oh–i hope habi isn’t reading this:  he looks a tad like wen! maybe not in this pic–but they do have a similarity.  and i hate it because i hate being reminded of how gorgeous the man i left heartbroken is! it’s like, ‘why, mel, why?!’ oh well…

i heart channing tatum.  never mind if he’s reportedly bisexual.  never mind if he isn’t as smart as my wenwen.  and never mind if i’ll never get to kiss him.  he made my day last saturday.  i swear i was swooning while habi was right beside me!

love him!

i meant habi–not channing. 

i heart channing.

i love habi. 

now, that’s clear.

affirmation

‘i’m in singapore now.  i mean what i said.  hope this settles that issue.  catch you soon. have a good day.’

09:27:22pm / 20-09-2006

well…that shut me up. 

i guess i like changi better than putrijaya.

it’s just too bad it won’t change a thing.  it can’t.  it shouldn’t.

but at least i’d stop having unanswered questions on my mind.

mean–not MEANT.

he’s good at tenses.

MEAN–that somehow shook me.

it’s a good thing my heart’s securely in place.

je veux dormir

i haven’t slept since yesterday. 

be wary of going anywhere near cityland pasong tamo tomorrow.

i’ll be all eyes.  drooping eyes.  the would-fall-off-the-socket type.

humongous eye bags. 

no face. no soul. all eyes. 

i’ve become a zombie overnight. 

life was sucked out of my being. 

first to go were my thoughts. 

then my feelings.

soon physical strength would escape me too. 

but my blogging spirit wouldn’t.

not yet…

at least not until my fingers start giving up…

i’m trying to fight it…

but i no longer can defy the inevitable…

bye.

blue

he left without saying a word.

i got his usual ‘good morning’ yesterday.  we had a casual chat in the afternoon.  i didn’t get to hear from him at night.

it was the first time i didn’t get a ‘good night’ from the captain.

i wondered why.

his morning message awakened me this morning.  it was one of those forwarded messages.  lately he’s been flooding my inbox with such. 

i guess he was way too busy to manage a self keyed-in ‘hello’.

i had no reason to complain. no right to do so.

but somehow it saddens me that the very person who used to fill my inbox with his updates–a blow by blow account of how he’s going about at work or wherever he may be–has ceased keeping me privy of the goings-on in his life.

when i signed in this afternoon on ym, he was online.  his status read:  busy in changi.

so, he’s out of the country.

i didn’t even know he left.

it was puzzling–he used to text me his flight schedules, his passenger seat numbers.  he used to send me pictures of him waiting at the airport. 

could he have forgotten?

or did he choose not to let me know he was leaving?

i sought for answers.

i got this:

mel: u’r out of the country again?

captain: yes.

captain: my last probably since i decided to resign my regional position.

mel: what? why did you resign? when did you resign?

captain: oct 1. fed up with politics. will focus on things I like most.

mel: but you’re gonna stay as (his position)

mel: or you’re leaving (his company) for good?

captain: yes, as (his local position) of (his company)

mel: alright–whatever you think is best for you. and it’s good that you’ll have lesser work load–you’ll have more time for the kids.

captain: for the kids and my life back and you

mel: i’m sure you’ve done a great job for the past what–four years? i’m surprised they let you go.

captain: will go to the pre-dep gate now so that I can relax my eyes. Catch you soon. bye and take care always.

mel: take care too

i didn’t ask when he’s coming back.

it was something he used to tell me without me asking him.

i guess in between trips to putrijaya and manila, something got lost.

diego

last night i dreamt i already have a two-year-old son.  of course, his name was diego. :)  he was cute and chubby.  but it was so disturbing that he looks so ‘bumbay!’  he looked like a younger version of duyen. i kidded habi that perhaps i got knocked up by another man.  a filthy rich arab perhaps. or osama bin laden’s kin! 

the dream awakened in me the desire to become a mom–not today, not so soon–but in the future.  when i am ready to accept the full responsibility of having to take care of another human being other than myself. 

it got me into thinking–what kind of mom would i be if ever?  habi says i’d be much like how i am with chingan.  a spoiler.  well, maybe.  maybe not.  i guess it would be an entirely different story once i get to raise my own kid.  i guess i’d be less submissive to diego’s or sadie’s whims that i am now to chingan’s.  i’d exercise more authority.  by then i’m pretty confident that i would already know when to draw the line.  but i’d be as loving to my own kids as i am now to my most-loved niece…i’d be sweeter, gentler, kinder…and i would try to be the coolest and nicest mom there could ever be. regardless of whether diego would look bumbay or not.

i’m praying he won’t get my eyes and my height.

a piece of sausage or the whole pig?

THIS CRACKED ME UP:

‘nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage.  WHY?  because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.’

your thoughts?

init ulo ko

mainit ulo ko kaya subukan ko magsulat ng straight istrayt na tagalog.

mainit ulo ko kasi hindi pa tumatawag si ivan! ay–di nga pala si ivan dapat ang tatawag. ‘yun mga alipores ni ivan. o kahit sino sa dos. baka naman kasi ayaw nila ng sagot ko sa ‘pula’. o baka ayaw ni ivan na hinawakan ko kamay ‘nya. o baka mas meron s’ya gusto na iba.

mainit ulo ko kasi ‘yung script iskript na ginawa ko hindi na-aprub. ayaw nila daw kasi ng mag voice over (’di ko mabubura ‘to kasi di ko alam kung may tagalog para dito)! wala kasi silang pera para doon. lagi na lang ganyan! mas maganda sana ang kakalabasan kung may voice over (may raket pa si MK).

mainit ulo ko kasi akala ko masaya na mundo kasi wala na si millette, mali pala ‘ko. ‘yun pala mas sobra pasaway ang pumalit sa kanya! demanding pa! puro palibre naman. mabait lang boss ko kasi kung ako ‘yun baka nabaril ko na ‘yon!

mainit ulo ko kasi meron ako ngayon. masakit puson ko. sana di na lang ako naging babae. minsan naiisip ko baka meron na ko kanser sa obaryo. sana mali ako. sana wala. kasi gusto ko pa magkaroon ng mag kids. meron na nga ko mga pangalan. diego iñigo at enrique joaquin or pwede baliktarin-baliktarin pag boys. pag girls naman, sofia indira (palayaw n’ya sadie- hindu for princess) o kaya indrina sitara o kaya ingrid. di ko alam kelan ako makakabili ng mga bata na ‘yan! hehehe!

mainit ulo ko kasi hindi ko na alam saan ko nalagay piktyur ni wenwen. di ko rin alam kung tatapon ko ba o hindi ‘yung ‘wenwen pillow’ ko. kasi ayaw na sya tanggapin ng nagda-dry clean kasi raw sira-sira na s’ya. hindi kasi ako marunong tumahi.

mainit ulo ko kasi meron isang mama mataba nag-promise na pasalubong n’ya ko ng puting tsokolate galing sa malaysia. hanggang ngayon wala pa s’ya pinapadala. di rin sya nagti-text. di ko alam bakit sobra ako naiirita.

mainit ulo ko kasi di ako nakapagpabili kay habi ng sour cream and onions pretzels ng auntie anne’s! nagke-crave pa naman ako ng ganon tapos may kasamang cream cheese dip. di bale kulitin ko na lang s’ya dumaan sa cello’s doughnuts ‘n dips mamaya.

tapos na ko kanina sa blog na ito pero di ko naiintindihan bakit pamagat lang ang na-post.