blush.blush.blush

i haven’t blushed in a long time–the feel of heat rushing up my cheeks–haven’t felt that for a long time.  but this morning, my cheeks burnt!

we chatted casually.  he wrote me a testimonial.  i approved it.  then we talked about the good old days.  it was fun.  until…

him: actually lam ng wife ko ung tungkol syo eh
him: sori ha
him: pinabasa ko ksi sa knya dati ung letter mo sa akin
blue_cynic20: ano lam nya?!
blue_cynic20: anong letter? gosh! nahiya naman ako!
him: basta pinabasa ko lang ung letter mo para at least wla akong tinatago sa knya
him: ok lang un
blue_cynic20: what was that letter about?
him: about ung pagkahumaling mo sa akin
him: hahaha
blue_cynic20: hahaha!
blue_cynic20: gosh!
blue_cynic20: di nga! never ko naalala that i wrote u a letter!
him: dat nite nung binigay mo un pinabasa ko na sa kanya ksi sa totoo lang lahat nman nakukuwento ko sa knya eh
blue_cynic20: curious ako–what did i tell u?
him: nde ko na maalala buong content pro ang natatandaan ko admiration letter un dhil malapit ng mag-graduation
him: siguro iniisip mo nde n tyo magkakausap pa
him: hahaha
him: kaya nag-isandaang porsiyento k na
him: nilabas mo na lahat lahat
blue_cynic20: naku di no! never naman kasi ko afraid mag-express ng feelings ko!
him: lam ko man un eh
him: kilala nman kita
him: if u want to speak, u will
him: bkit nman
blue_cynic20: di ko lang maisip that i wrote u a letter
him: nde ko makakalimutan ksi kakaibang pen ang ginamit mo dat time pti ung paper
blue_cynic20: di nga ano nga nakalagay?
him: makapal ung sulat nya tpos ung paper parang type na pambalot ng pandesal
him: hahaha
blue_cynic20: did i tell u i love u? hahaha!
him: hahaha
him: what do u think?
blue_cynic20: parang hindi naman!
blue_cynic20: hahaha!
him: eh kung sbhin kong oo
blue_cynic20: oh my gosh!
him: hahaha
blue_cynic20: katakot naman pinag-gagagawa ko!
him: anyway…..that is already history
him: kinabahan k no
him: nde
him: wla nman akong maalalang sinabi mo un
blue_cynic20: eh ano lang?
him: pero indirectly oo
him: hahaha
blue_cynic20: gosh!
blue_cynic20: pero i didn’t know i gave u one
him: alam mo yan
him: maya magmuni muni ka
blue_cynic20: i must have really liked you! hahaha!
him: hahaha

holy fucking crap! was i that bold back then? okay–i admit, i’m not good in hiding my feelings–i speak my mind, i let the whole world know exactly how i feel–and yes, i was way too brave for comfort!  an ex–(the guy who dealt me my first taste of a broken heart /the guy who denied that he was once my bf / the guy who dumped me for someone he and his barkada had a bet on) can attest to this–he’s gotten tons of letters from me, me professing my undying love for him! haha!  i was that BRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE! me practically wooing him! gosh!  i do crazy stuff when i’m in love! go ask sean chambers–+1967984357! no, don’t!

okay–case in point, i know that i am capable of doing that–writing a guy a letter–done that a zillion times! BUT–for the life of me i still couldn’t accept the fact that i wrote one of my closest guy buddies in college a letter!  not just a letter ‘letter’ BUT  a letter telling him that i have the hots for him! how could that be?  okay–i’m done with my trip down memory lane and yeah, alright–i did have a crush on him–i likeD him–back then we were like, talking every night on the phone, we talk every chance we get–i must have lost the grip and fell..a little..just a little–

but!  that wasn’t reason enough for me to write him a letter!  i knew he has a gf then and itchy-bitchy me was busy with someone a thousand miles away–so what the hell was i thinking?!

well…he said it right–it’s history now.  no point obsessing about it.

i’ll shut up.

gosh!

i’m done blushing.  will hibernate.  shame on me.

the warrior between

I am a warrior in my sleep. I gather people and lead armies to victory.
I protect women and children and calcify men with inspiration.
Awake, I worry about rent and the gears of my car.

I am a warrior in my sleep. I speak against corruption and stand fiercely steady upwind.
I feed the hungry and balm the hurting.
Awake, I fuss over cell phones and petty cash vouchers that need to be signed.

I am a warrior in my sleep. I draw my sword against those in power and make them do what is right. I calm the anxious and revive my people’s hopes.
Awake, I fret over fashion and what unimportant others perceive me to be.

I am a warrior in my sleep. I fight for this country and embrace it with my blood.
I breathe the air of my ocean and build my roots on its shores.
Awake, I line up for a foreign visa and envy the lucky who have left.

Asleep, I am truthful.
Awake, I deceive.

Now I stand at the split between.

Awake.

An excerpt from an essay entitled “The Warrior Between”

Text and Photo: Gang Badoy © 2005

can i wed but never marry?

When women reach a certain age defined by society as the ripe age to get married and start a family, pressure looms—the question starts to come out of everyone’s lips—‘when are you getting married?’  It’s as though marriage is the next step in our life cycle—childhood-puberty-adulthood-college-career-marriage-having children…when you choose to veer away from that norm, you’re scorned. 

Call me an idealist-cynic if you please—but is marriage really the next step to take when an amorous relationship gets past the ‘getting to know you’ stage?

Does it follow than when you’ve dated long enough and you’re already in the ‘comfort zone’ you’re supposed to be altar-bound already?

I’m sure that every woman, plump or skinny, dreams of getting wed—gamophobic that I am, I must confess that strutting down the aisle in a powder blue (yes, white won’t work for me) Vera Wang is something I’ve come to imagine long ago…BUT take notice of the qualifier right there—‘GETTING WED’—not getting MARRIED.

For gamophobic-cynic-idealist me, wedding and marriage are two very different things.  I could catch myself imagining how great it would be to WED, but NEVER have I pictured myself getting MARRIED.  I can see a nice and sleek bridal car, bridesmaids in two-toned multi-colored Inno Sotto numbers with uniform Jimmy Choos, groomsmen ravishing in tux, flower girls clad in flowing little gowns…the works!  But I can’t seem to see beyond that.  I can’t even imagine having a man’s surname affixed to mine! 

It’s like, can I wed but never marry? 

Why the fear?   

Marriage you see is a lifetime pact—and I’m not good in anything binding.  For a time I thought I could picture myself being a wifey—but as things get a little serious I’m starting to have cold feet.  Now I know why they call it ‘taking the plunge,’ ‘tying the knot.’ 

It’s never gonna be about just the wife and the groom—there will be in-laws, little souls thrown into the picture later, monthly amortization for the conjugal dwelling, bills, bills and bills—tuition fees for the kids, so on and so forth…

I am a lover of comfort.  What if I’m not cut out to go through all these?  I freak out when I can’t get what I want.  Even eating vegetables torments me—I’m not much of a fan of ‘for richer or for poorer’—I’d rather have it ‘for richer and striving harder’…

I can get along with would-be-in-laws, but even the kindest souls experience friction when they live in close proximity to each other—I mean, in-laws could live with us but we could never live with in-laws.  I want a house of our own—the idea of me living in my husband’s (let’s just assume I make it past the wedding) parents’ house just doesn’t sit well with me.  I’m 90% OC for crying out loud!  Why would anyone want to live with me? (Alright–this one’s still under negotiation.)

Then there’s the emotional aspect—my heart has never strayed but my feelings sometimes do—can I really stay in love with the man I married till death do us part?  What if irreconcilable differences arise?  What if egos clash?  What if love fades? What if he drinks too much?  What if I nag too often? What if I only want one kid and he wants a basketball team?

After the exchange of “I do’s”, the wedding ends and the marriage begins… I’m certain I could create a wonderful wedding—but do I have what it takes to work on having a wonderful marriage?

Sigh.

the last straw

she’s done caring for him.  she’s done trying to look after him.  she shouldn’t have been doing so in the first place.  she belongs to someone else.  someone who’s loved her for all that she is.  someone who’s embraced both the good and the bad in her. 

she’s done shedding tears each time he’s indisposed…each time he falls into a deep slumber.  she’s done seeing him in her dreams. 

she’s done being there for him.

she’s done trying to restrict her emotions.

yes, she may have loved him.

no…love him, she does. until this very moment.

but she has to let go.

he is not to be loved.  she is not allowed to love him.  not a bit.  not a tiny bit.

she’s done being in an emotional tryst.

boys and balls

sean and i chatted yesterday and what else would our topic be? basketball of course!  i was ranting about alaska’s lost to purefoods (sorry can’t get over it!) and he was playing the role of a post-game analyst–asking me why i think the team lost, asked me if i think tim should step down, yadayadayada.  i ended up practically trying to convince him that perhaps he should replace tim! hahaha! he’s tried to avoid my attempt to probe into his personal life by asking me about the other coaches and and how good the new players are! he just made ‘bawi’ when i started to whine by sending me his pic (the one with livi)!  he’s gained weight, got darker but he sure can still make me weak in the knees! i asked him who livi’s mom is and when he refused to name her i quipped, ‘alright, if you don’t want to tell me fine! i’m just gonna assume i’m her mom!’ he just smiled! :)  it makes me beam the widest each time he finds time to chat with me… basketball did bring the two of us closer but i’m happy that even after his career here has ended he and i are still friends.

@)——————–

back to gie’s ‘friend’.  i’ve come to a conclusion that the guy simply doesn’t have balls! i mean, he’s just leading her on! i’ve always believed that if you have the hots for someone, you go out of your way and tell them! i mean, they’re both single for crying out loud and obviously, he’s smitten by my friend! so what the hell is keeping him from telling her exactly what he wants?! i don’t understand.  is he just being  friend?  then why is he pretty territorial?  gosh!  i really have no patience for guys like him–my friend gie deserves someone better. 

guessing game

love can really be tricky.

i had lunch with my friend gie earlier and she kept ranting about this guy she’s been seeing for months now.  clearly, he’s got feelings for her–but he has made no effort to tell her exactly what he’s up to.  torpe?  i dunno exactly how to describe him–i’m just as clueless as margie is when it comes to that.

he calls her everyday, texts her every chance he gets, goes out to lunch with her, takes her to dinner, sees a movie with her–but HE’S NOT SAYING ANYTHING!

poor gie…she just have to wait and keep guessing…

monday

after a busy week i’m back to a sluggish start–i’ll probably be working on something later–ooops!  i’ll be working on it NOW!  lemme see…okay–i guess i’m in for another week trying to figure out what to do with yet another clinical study on epilepsy.  my job sometimes drive me nuts–i do become hypochondriac from time to time! but i’m not complaining, it’s better to drool over pages upon pages of unheard of medical terms rather than stare at my computer the whole day wondering what my next project would be.  as much as i still want to jot down my thoughts i have to get going now and get started reading about seizures…

simon birch

Adult Joe Wenteworth: When someone you love dies, you don’t lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother’s scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Simon and I never talked much about that day on the baseball field. It was too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved my mother, I knew that Simon loved her just as much. She was the only real mother he ever had.

Rev. Russell: What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon?
Simon: Thinking about God.
Rev. Russell: In a corner?
Simon: Faith is not in a floor plan.

Simon Birch: What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there’d be chaos.

Simon: I don’t see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.

wanted: hired killer

i want someone dead. very badly.

since the basketball fan in me resurfaced a few play days ago, i started getting frantic about the idea of the aces losing to purefoods in a manner reminiscent of the 2002 commisioner’s cup–when the then newbie ryan gregorio made a mockery of my beloved tim cone as the derrick brown led TJ Hotdogs came from a 2-0 series deficit  to win the championship. 

last friday, the aces were in the brink of going through the same nightmare as they lost Game 6 after leading most of the game.  i just knew they’re not making it to the finals after that lost.

call it intuition or whatever–i knew, i just knew. alaska has never been known as a team who could bounce back from a sorry loss. and they’re not known to have ‘killer instinct’ either.  they can string one win after another, BUT they simply don’t have the heart to pull a win after losing a pivotal game.  and don’t get me started about the hunger factor.  when was the last time tim’s boys won a championship? i can no longer remember.  sadly, i don’t think having been out of the championship picture for so long is motivation enough for them to win against a very determined team like purefoods.

alright, so they lost last night.  they’re fighting smb for 3rd place instead. again, i said i saw it coming.  if i had a bet with daddy i could have won.  so why am i still ranting? well–it’s like this.  i love tim cone.  he’s the only reason i’m still an alaska fan.  but last night i really found it repulsive that he relied heavily on mike cortez!  i sooooooo hate this guy! i mean, he crumbles under pressure and he’s a ball hog! he tried so many times to drive in against pingris!!! and guess what, pingris just made minced meat out of him!  there were so many instances when instead of passing the ball to an open teammate, he chose not and drove it to the basket himself–failing miserably as expected! 

i’ve never hated a player in my fave team as much as i have loathed mike cortez! he sucks! and i’m starting to hate my beloved tim for sticking up to him! tim, he’s no johnny! give me brandon cablay anytime! they should have traded cortez instead!

i hate him! i want him dead!