bacon, eggs and blood orange juice

i’ve never taken a bath that fast before and never have i fixed myself in less than hour but i guess i was just really anxious to get to where i should go this morning that i’ve managed to bathe, get dressed and fix myself in less than an hour!

sweat was already lining my forehead when i got in the cab. i was anxious-excited–it’s been a while and i honestly didn’t know just how i feel.  i’ll be seeing him again, we’ll be talking, having breakfast…

‘where are you now? food is ready on the table.  i’m still in bed, just come in, the door is unlocked.’

i reread his text message and smiled.  my heart was racing.  i paid the fare, got off and headed to the elevator.  the lift opened, i got in. third floor. i got off, walked straight a few steps then turned left.  i carefully opened the door, the lights were off.  i could hear the teevee on–he must still be napping.

‘good morning!’

he got out of his room and greeted me with a smile. he lost weight.  he looked great–same deadly stare, same naughty side glance. i froze. he walked a little closer, i turned my back on him and got the photos from my bag–’here they are!’ he took the photos from my hand, i felt his breath brush my head…i looked up and we were face to face.

i tried to avoid his eyes.  i just don’t trust my feelings.  he led me to the dining table.  he cooked for me. bacon and eggs and blood-orange juice.  eggs scrambled–fluffy and moist.  he sure knows what pleases me. 

we ate.  we talked. we laughed. 

it was bliss.    we talked about random things, the flyers scattered on his desk, the checklist from the cleaners, the hotel GM getting axed, piolo and the kids, martial arts–the conversation was easy, fun.  we’ve never been that relaxed together.

we breezed through breakfast talking.  i helped him clear the table, he washed the dishes.  i went to the john, brushed my teeth–

i went back to the living room, he was getting dressed for work in his bedroom.  he emerged from the room looking dignified as ever. he’s wearing blue–he pulled the tie off his pocket and neatly placed it in his bag–he didn’t let me pick the color this time…

‘ready?’

i was so tempted to say i’m not.  at the back of my head i was waiting for something–but i dread it happening just the same…

i opened the door and it hit me right there–we’ve made the leap.  we’re friends now.

we walked to the elevator, his eyes avoiding mine.  we rode the lift with somebody else.

we got out the building and he hailed a cab for me.  separate cabs, just like before…but now i know my heart’s surely riding alone…

i didn’t dare look in his eyes, afraid of what i might find there. i knew he was looking at me but i chose not to look back…

‘bye, thanks for breakfast.’

my cab sped off, his caught up with it.  he threw me one last look from his cab and smiled…

i looked away.

i know i won’t be seeing him again.

be still my heart…

so i’ll be seeing him again after a long time…am i excited? i dunno–somehow what i feel for him has died down a bit…at the back of my head i know that nothing’s gonna come of it, tomorrow’s meeting will just be a ‘meeting’ meeting.  there’s nothing more to it…i don’t want to complicate things further.  i don’t want to mess up with what the Fates have thrown my way.

be still, heart of mine…

eye candy!

i dunno what’s gotten into me but yes, i’m gonna admit it to the world I AM INFATUATED once more! okay, perhaps ‘infatuated’ is way too strong a word! harharhar! alright, I HAVE A CRUSH! (see me blushing?!)

so, who is it this time? well, let’s just say i’ve been spending my nights with my ass glued to the teevee from 9-10pm everyday! and yes, overtime i’ve become a Pinoy Big Brother fanatic! so, who do i fancy? who else?! the show’s eye candy–GERALD ANDERSON! gosh! shame on me! "he’s 17, fr crying out loud!" well…

the moment i laid eyes on my new ‘eye candy’ i knew i’d be one among the many who would squee at the sight of him! the first two weeks i was just, ‘uh, cute!’ and then i realized there’s more to him (at least for me) than his (pa-borrow ng term, yam!) UBER cuteness! harharhar! the boy CAN dance!!! plus pogi points! and boy! could a ‘bisoy’ get any cuter?! hearing others say ’subra’ and ‘pari, ano ba!’ and ‘eem-u (for MU)’ will surely make me cringe but coming from MY gerald–wow! cute! harharhar!

it’s so amusing hearing him talk in tagalog with his ‘bisaya’ twang and listening to him speak bisaya with his american accent! i just looooooooove him! i wanna kill myself for not subscribing to 24/7! but it’s okay because i get to watch his every move through PEX and yeah–i ‘tune in’ to channel 67 every morning upon waking up just so i could hear his voice and see what he’s doing through the blurred reception !

gosh! i even VOTED for him! i sure don’t want my eye candy booted out yet!

BB GERALD! harharhar!

shoulda

i should have been a little braver and a little less scared…

i should have been more careful and a little less reckless in handling my emotions…

i should have said the things i wanted to say and did the things i wanted to do…

i should have let my heart take over my head because my emotions were far stronger than my reasons…

i should have taken risks that would have dealt me great happiness…

i should have been more sensitive and less indifferent…

i should have been in tears if my sorrow would mean happiness for someone else…

?

have you ever felt like you’re stuck in something you want to get out of?  have you ever felt like giving up but you have no choice but to hold on? have you ever felt so lonely because you’re torn between leaving and staying? 

someone’s having a baby!

‘casanova’s gonna settle down now’

my best guyfriend and his wife are expecting a baby! i couldn’t believe my eyes when i read his message earlier, i’m soooooo happy for the both of them! i wonder what the baby’s gonna be–a girl or a boy? finally! i’m gonna stop asking, ‘no baby yet?’ or, ‘when are you gonna have a baby?’ my good old friend’s going to be a dad! i know he’d be a great dad–he just needs to loosen up a bit! haha! there’s one thing though–i couldn’t help but wonder–sweetie, what are you gonna do if it’s a girl and she turns out to be just like me? hahaha! 

we’ll see.

beaming widely now :)

how could i have forgotten?!  i’ve every reason to smile today!  it’s my chingan’s 9th birthday! i got her a tiny cake last night and thought of surprising her this morning.  i lit up a small candle, placed it atop the oh-so-tiny chocolate cake and sang to her while she was still half-asleep. she woke up with a smile on her face and kissed me, "thank you!" seeing her eyes lit up when she saw the cake and hearing her thank me for that sweet gesture made my heart sing in glee.  my baby’s growing up fast and i know soon enough i will have to stop calling her ‘baby’. 

happy birthday, sweetheart!  i love you and yes, you need not worry because you will ALWAYS BE MY BABY.

brooding…

i’m sad. i’m happy. i’m mad. 

i’m such a nutcase.

i really don’t understand what’s with me today–i feel sluggish and my mind’s off wandering somewhere.  i’m not working on anything at the moment and it sucks because my brain’s starting to rot. 

habi learned about my problem and it didn’t help any because now i’m quite pissed and i snapped at him because he was asking way too many questions. i wish i could vanish for a while! 

sometimes, the last thing a person needs is to be constantly reminded of what she’s trying to flee from…

@)—————

events of days past made me realize…

…that sin invites judgment

…confession ensures forgiveness

…and tact is what i should have in handy–i should really learn to make a point and prove it without making an enemy.

@)—————

tsk tsk tsk!

missent again!

last saturday i was texting with a friend when i accidentaly sent the message to habi’s brother.  it could have been alright if the message wasn’t about him! but it’s all water under the bridge now because i have already apologized.  i just hope that what happened did not create a rift between me and them.  but if it did, it’s okay.  maybe my message got missent for a purpose.  maybe it’s heaven’s way of laying the cards down on the table.  i guess it’s better this way, at least now they’re somehow aware of how i feel, more importantly, how habi feels about the whole thing…

there were so many unspoken ‘tampo’ that my habi doesn’t want to voice out and i respect that but try as i may not to get my self involved in any of it, sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

i know that the missent message was really harsh but i’m not one who would sugarcoat my feelings.

adieu

last night and the night before two text messages changed the way i look at things.  messages that awakened me from slumber. messages that pulled me back to where i should be. 

@)———–

"there’s always a possibility that a person can get attracted to another.  it’s not wrong.  but that’s why you’re in a COMMITMENT, you discipline yourself.  one may get attracted to numerous prospects and it’s okay as long as you don’t nurse the feeling and won’t do something about it.  borderline between cheating and faithfulness. recognize the reality that you already have the person that can give you MORE than the cheap thrills of attraction."   

@)———–

"leaving office now.  i’m making an important decision now.  not to text and talk to you anymore para no more expectations from you.  you demand too much already and yet you can’t decide on us.  i text when i can. goodnight."