ruffa and dindi

my trip down memory lane began when i was going over old photographs last night.  i chanced upon some pictures taken in junior high and there it was at the back of my 3rd year class pic–’ruffa and dindi friends forever’!  i laughed out loud at the sight of how hideous my hair had been and the sound of my laughter doubled at the sight of the writing–ruffa and dindi have really come a long way!

ruffa was benedick, my best gayfriend of all time.  dindi was me. why such names? well, we were beauty queens that’s why! we deemed ourselves beautiful, charming, sexy, smart and NOBODY dared contest that (or so we thought!  harharhar!).  we were queens of the world–and our court was composed of equally beautiful ladies–the entire gang, the SOPHIES! vivacious gem, sexy joy, drop-dead gorgeous mimay, stunning aiko, charming lei, ultra-cute bevs, captivating eleanor, sultry je, alluring tina, hotta hotta rana and lovely florence!   

but ruffa and dindi weren’t just beauty queens, they share more than just beauty and brains.  they shared an enduring friendship that lasted long after they were stripped off their crowns. :)  ruffa was dindi’s partner in crime and vice versa–they had their fair share of shenanigans.  but more importantly, they were each other’s most trusted confidante.  they were each other’s shock absorber. 

when the guy ‘named after a hero but aptly called a fruit’ broke dindi’s heart, ruffa was there to console her.  when  the guy ‘whose surname is sauce in spanish’ broke ruffa’s heart, dindi was there to ease her pain.

they shared everything from laughter to tears.  and they never stopped being there for each other even if time and distance have kept them apart. and i believe ruffa and dindi haven’t shared enough, for they still have a lifetime of friendship ahead of them.

i’m missing ruffa bigtime…and i’m certain she’s missing dindi too. 

to ruffa, please take care and hang on.  dindi’s just a phone call away.

dreading the big C

in 2004, i wrote two testimonial AVPs for two breast cancer patients.  i got to interview both patients and just by talking to them i felt the magnitude of pain that engulfs them.  after learning what the two of them went through and realizing how tough the battle they are facing is, i came to understand just how difficult it must be for them and their families to embrace the dreadful truth that because of this disease, their lives have forever been changed. 

three weeks ago, i worked on a breast cancer awareness campaign and i was surprised to know just how little i know about the disease. having written about the subject in the past and having read so much about it, i realized that there were still things about breast cancer that i have no knowledge of.  for instance, i found out that a ’suspicious lump’ is not the only telling sign that you have breast cancer–for there are a lot of symptoms that women out there might not be aware of.  i learned that there’s a certain type of BC called peau d’orange or inflammatory breast cancer wherein a lump is absent but the skin of the breast starts to resemble the skin of a navel orange, swollen, and the hair follicles look like lots of little dimples.  i learned that most patients afflicted with this type brushed this symptom off and thought that what they have was just a case of skin allergy.  thus, by the time they have it officially checked by a doctor, it’s already too late–the cancer has spread.   

this, among other things gave me a fright–for one, i am most prone to skin allergies, name it, i’ve had it.  so it made me feel a little paranoid and i started getting hypochondriac again.  what if the occasional ‘rashes’ that surface on my chest are what i fear they are? i started to get bothered by even the tiniest hint of skin irritation on my breasts, the minor mammary pain that i have often associated with my menstrual period became a cause for alarm, add to that the fact that i once had a lump removed from my right breast five years ago, which of course was, thankfully, benign. 

these things have been bothering me lately and i have decided to act on this paranoia.  i’m having myself checked.  they say that what you do not know won’t hurt you but in the case of breast cancer and other diseases in general, the sooner you know, the better.  i’ve chickened out for days–trying to mask my fear by convincing myself that i am invincible and that there’s no way i could have the disease–but i could never be sure unless i muster enough courage to seek the truth…and hopefully, the truth is what i hope it would be–that there’s no more to these rashes than just my usual allergy.

while i’m waiting for a schedule i’m already starting to feel optimistic and a lot less frightened until my ate amy broke the news to me this morning–our eldest cousin ate linda was diagnosed with breast cancer.  the shocking discovery jolted my senses.  genetics–another risk factor, my forever pessimistic alter-ego whispered to me. my optimism is starting to wane again, i feel giddy just thinking about it.  ate linda has a perfectly healthy lifestyle.  she’s a vegetarian, she does yoga–you could say she’s a health buff–how could it have happened?  there’s no history of breast cancer in our family–at least none that we know of.  what are the odds?  i honestly don’t have the answer.  while heredity, early puberty, late childbearing, obesity, and lifestyle factors such as alcohol intake, smoking and an unhealthy diet have been said to trigger the disease, what i know is, and what i have learned so far is that, the only factor that has been proven to increase the risk of a woman getting BC is being a woman itself. i am a woman and the odds are against me. so there really is nothing much i could do but pray that i be spared–that i would NEVER have to write about BC based on my personal account ever. 

emotional torment

dear you,

what are we?

i dunno.  maybe the messages could define us.  but there’s no defining us.  because i’ve long defined what we are…what we have…by looking at what we don’t have and knowing what we are not.  i’m not making sense.  see how thirty seven messages can do to an emotional retard like me?  i thought i was through with this but bam!  it hit me.  it just hit me again!  harder this time. and it’s taking its toll on me. couldn’t write, couldn’t think straight. i’m confused.  bewildered. dazed.  i know where my heart is, who owns it, who’s holding it.  but my mind is going astray. 

-me

EXasperated!

i had a spat with an EX this weekend. through text.  i dunno exactly why things happened the way they happened.  the thing is, it couldn’t have happened if he didn’t do something that really drove me nuts.  i just don’t understand why after almost five years of being apart he still feels as though he has the right to meddle in my life and have a say on decisions that i make–sure, i still keep him privy on the goings-on in my life ONLY BECAUSE i consider him a good friend–but, that doesn’t mean he could still dabble in my personal affairs.  he and i used to argue over the fact that he has this twisted notion that he still ‘owns’ me.  he thinks that he still has a say on who i’m with, what i do, yadayadayada!  for a while i let it pass because i deemed it’s quite normal for an ex boyfriend to be protective of his ex especially when they parted amicably and have since become friends–but what i failed to do was draw the line.  now he has gone overboard and i’m going ballistic!  i’m simply EXasperated! 

coeur de pierre

it came unexpectedly.  over inasal and lapaz batchoy.  my phone rang, an unfamiliar number was calling.  habi told me not to answer but i thought it was a client so i picked up.  it wasn’t a client.  it was my bio sister.  she asked for our landline number.  i asked he why she wanted to call.  she said she needed to talk to me about something.  i thought it was some kind of an emergency.  she said it isn’t.  i gave her my number at home but told her that i’m still out and i won’t be home early.  she said she’ll just text then.  so she texted.  she said that she know i’m aware that our bio dad is sick.  she said she doesn’t know how to start telling me what she wanted to say–i thought she was gonna ask me to lend her money or something but i was wrong.  she said she doesn’t want our bio dad to die the way our bio mom did–thinking that i AM MAD at them and that i do not love them.  i froze and shuddered at the thought.  anger surged inside of me.  i didn’t know what to make of the emotions that filled me that instance.  when habi and i got home, i showed the text to nanay.  she didn’t say anything.  i texted my bio sister back.  i told her that i just wanted to make something clear.  I AM NOT MAD AT THEM.  i never intended to be hostile towards them.  I NEVER HATED them.  flashbacks flooded my mind.  i recalled the ‘confrontation’ that happened between me and my bio mom and her sister a few years back.  they accused me of the very same thing.  that I HATED THEM and that I DON’T LOVE THEM.  i remember all too well what i answered them.  i don’t know exactly what i feel for them—that was my answer.  and i remembered how flabbergasted my mom’s sister has become.  she was infuriated by my answer.  she said that even adopted children go looking for their biological families, yearning to be with them and wanting so much to get to know them.  i retaliated with a cool and collected answer.  i am not adopted and i have MY FAMILY.  i have a family that loves me, takes care of me, nurtures me.  simply put, how could i possibly miss what i already have before me?  i have NANAY and DADDY.  i have PARENTS who love me dearly and take good care of me as if i am their own.  i have SIBLINGS too.  five of them.  two sisters i share laughter and tears with, go shopping with—sisters i could talk about anything under the sun with.  i  have three brothers.  one has left us when i was younger, the other two went on to have families of their own—families i have learned to love.  brothers who gave me wonderful nieces and nephews to love and take care of.  brothers who share my love for basketball.  brothers who cannot say no to my whims. brothers who attended my PTA meetings and got my report cards when nanay couldn’t make it. i have a FAMILY. and they have given me everything i’ve ever needed.  i fill no void in my existence the way adopted children must feel.  I AM COMPLETE.  i have a HOME.  i have all the LOVE that i need.