goodbyes

i’m not big on goodbyes.  i hate it.  so much so that when someone has to say goodbye to me i turn my imagination on and just pretend that the reason i won’t be seeing that person anymore is because i am pretty busy and i simply don’t have time to see him/her.

my first taste of sad goodbyes came when i was in third grade, when my ‘kuya boy’ passed away.  it was the first death in the family and little as i was back then, i still felt the magnitude of great loss that engulfed all of us.  he was shot in the head.  slipped into a coma for five days and never came back.  it was a tragedy that i’d remember for as long as i live.  i could still vividly recall how nanay cried helplessly at the sight of his coffin when his remains arrived at the house from the funeral parlor.  or how daddy crumbled within, staring blankly at the wall trying as hard as he could to accept the most painful truth of all–that his favorite son is gone too soon.  my heart broke seeing his wife, ate beth silently weeping with their daughter bea close by.  a strange sense of sorrow filled my heart as i look through bea’s innocent and questioning eyes…what could be more painful than being just 9 years old and seeing everyone i love struggling with their emotions—dwelling on the pain and yet wanting so much to let go of the agony of losing someone dear to all of us?  after the interment, it finally dawned on me that the ‘kuya’ i’ve always looked up to will never come back.  that i will no longer hear his laughter, that i could never ride his back anymore…that he really is gone, for good.

months after my kuya boy’s death on the first week of that school year, i said goodbye again to someone i love. this time,  it was a friend—and the only difference is, it wasn’t permanent…making it a lot less painful but still so hard to bear.

it was when my bestfriend genevie moved back to canada after ten months of being my classmate.  it was pretty devastating because at that time she was my sole confidante, we shared dreams and we laughed on the same lame jokes, we talked and talked and talked.  then one day, she broke the sad news to me–she’s going back to canada

with her dad and she’s leaving the only bestfriend she has found here in the philippines–me.  when the day of her departure arrived, i didn’t go to class. i stayed home and pretended to have another bout with asthma.  it was the most convenient way to escape another painful bout with parting…genevie and i still kept in touch well after she left but only for the next couple of years—now, we’ve lost touch again…but in my heart i’m still hoping that this isn’t a permanent goodbye…that somewhere, sometime, i’d see her again.

after third grade, a lot of people came and went and everyone left me something that has shaped the ‘me’ that i am today…little by little, I learned that goodbyes only hurt as much as one allows them to.  even with that in mind, i still  took a beating from life’s most painful circumstance…that of saying goodbye to a loved one…

it came one fateful April afternoon in 1990.  we were vacationing at my ate carol’s hometown in Bicol when kuya mertz broke the saddest news i’ve ever heard—the most important person in my life has passed away…my lola.

it felt as though the whole world collapsed on me…i could still recall how i sat on the floor and began sobbing.  my heart sank in the deepest depth of despair.  my whole life was anchored on my lola.  she loved me, nurtured me and took good care of me…she has given me everything i ever needed. i felt so helpless and i felt so angry—angry that she left me without warning.  i was in sixth grade when it happened and i resented the fact that she had to go when i wasn’t ready to let go of her yet, that she had to leave me when i still don’t know how to fend for myself…

i wept in silence.  in solitude i desperately tried to accept that my lola’s gone for good and that she’ll never be back to cook for me, scratch my back and do homework with me.  she’s gone.  for good.  and her demise created a void in my existence…a void that can never be filled again.

i started to question why people have to die–why people have to say goodbye?  why marriages end, why relationships fail. why parting has to happen?  sadly, after years and years i still haven’t found the answer to these.  because up until now, people still come and go in my life–passersby that leave imprints that touch my life in different ways…

old boyfriends that left my heart broken, friends who left to seek greener pastures…gradually i began to accept that parting is indeed inevitable…

and today, i’m saying goodbye again…to someone i love and care deeply about.  someone who made me realize that loving someone deeply really entails the courage to let go when the situation calls for it. that parting, no matter how painful, could also lead to something more blissful when embraced wholeheartedly.

so, yes…i’m saying goodbye once more.  not because i wanted to, but because i needed to because there’s simply no other way but to say…

goodbye.

my own little manhattan

nothing is as big as your first love.

the first time i chanced upon an ad for this movie, i thought that i’d be watching it only because i missed cynthia nixon (SATC’s Miranda) so much. it turns out, i’d fall in love with the flick even without cynthia nixon in it.

 

gabe and rosemary.  two young and innocent souls whose worlds evolve around school, karate and central park discovered how it is to fall in love for the first time…ah, young love!

what’s the best thing about this movie is that it gives you a chance to look back and see the world in rose colored glasses again—the way you used to when cynicism still has no place in your heart.

seeing this movie brought back memories of yesteryears when loving meant hearing your heart pound in excitement when the object of your affection is just a few steps away.  that 

overwhelming feeling of wanting to get close to that someone and coming up with lame excuses like borrowing his pencil when you have a dozen cleverly hidden in your rainbow brite pencil case just so you could talk to him!

it got me into thinking—who was my gabe?  was it erik, my nanay’s first grade pupil when i was in kindergarten? the dusky boy who used to share his ‘baon’ with me whenever i sit it out on my nanay’s 1^st grade class?  was it nathaniel garcia—my ‘boyfriend’ back in kindergarten?  was it voltaire—my childhood ‘sweetheart’ of sorts who was more of a kid brother to me?

i guess none of them was my gabe—for if i’ve to name someone i’d call my first love—it would be the guy who gave me my first taste of a broken heart in  highschool.  the guy i moved heaven and earth for just to be with in junior year.  the guy who was part of my every thought, the force behind my every action and the one who caused me to have unsightly line of 7s on my report card!

prior to him i had enumerable crushes—from the tall, dark and i can’t remember exactly whether he’s handsome or not neighbor of ours named david, to jojo lastimosa who made me live and breathe basketball, to a few other guys in school—jerick and jumar in grade school, a cager named glen francisco who got me accidentally locked up in the SV gym in 5^th grade, a guy named bong who was our neighbor in alabang…

in my freshman year there was this guy whose initials i could remember but whose real name i couldn’t recall!  a varsity player whose GF confronted me in the restroom because she has read my open admiration for HER boyfriend on my very desk! the list goes on and on but none of them could compare to the one guy who took my breath away for the first time.  the one guy who gave me that heady almost giddy feeling of being in love for the first time—a guy supposed to have been named after a hero but was aptly called like a fruit!

he was the guy i wrote my first billet doux for, the guy i wooed and wooed and wooed until he finally gave in only to desert me and dump me for another girl when junior year was over! J

it took me years to get over my ‘gabe’.  and for a while i thought that ‘first love never really dies’—until of course i got to meet someone smarter, hotter and a hell lot kinder a year or so after.  

falling in love for the first time was like drowning in a sea of emotions, it was like navigating the unknown—the excitement it brings seems never-ending. but for me and for everyone else who’s been in love and still remembers how it felt the first time, it was definitely one of the best times in my life—an adventure far more exciting than a scooter ride.

the beauty of first love really lies in our ignorance that it can never end.     

yadayadayada

wednesday, january 18.  it was a trip down memory lane as me and my high school buddies met up for a little send-off get-together for benedick. we had dinner at gerry’s grill and sang to our (?!)hearts’ content at red box till almost 2am! :)  it was fun–i didn’t sing much because as everyone who knows me knows, i can’t carry a tune!  but i had a grand time chatting with my friends–it’s been years since benedick and i got together and it was a blast!  how i love him!  we laughed at the same lame jokes, we wickedly made fun of other people (salbahe!), we shared ‘kilig’ stories and we relived our high school memories like it was yesterday.  but i guess the most important thing that transpired during the get-together was, mimay and i kissed and made up! :)  we had a little misunderstanding that prompted me not to attend the outreach but it’s all water under the bridge now.  i’m so happy that i had the chance to see most of the SOPHIES again. :)  bevs wanted us to renew our vows but i said we’re too old for that! :)  i guess we no longer need to go through that again–for with or without vows, our friendship has already gone through so much, we have weathered several storms together and we have remained what we were right from the very start–true friends.

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my habi’s brother and (i hope he doesn’t get to read this!) my ex-crush wed the woman of his dreams last saturday at the immaculate conception parish in cubao.  i served as one of the bridesmaids (yes, pips! they pinned me down and made me wear a gown!).  the ceremony was brief but solemn.  i was fortunate to walk down the aisle with a handsome groomsman! :)  i forgot his name but habi told me he’s the brother of the late patricia borromeo. good looks really run in the family :)  at the reception, i had a great time meeting some of habi’s relatives.  prior to the wedding, i had the chance to get to know two of habi’s cousins–ate brenda and ate nene.  and they were both very warm to me and they’ve been really nice and attentive. :)  i guess habi has to add them to his xmas shopping list because i really do like them! nanay looked beautiful in her wedding ensemble which i helped put together…she was really lovely in her gown. :)  tatay was just as dashing in his ‘barong’ and so was my habibi! :)  sheryl looked radiant in her gown–it was pretty simple yet elegant and i saw the sense of pride in her groom’s eyes as he took her in his arms. :)  it was a lovely wedding ceremony. the reception was okay too, except that people left right after the early dinner.  but it was fun.

me!

i’m a preemie. born two months before i’m supposed to get out of my mother’s womb

i’m born under the sign of scorpio, hence the sting

i’m a meaty-tarian. a full-blooded carnivore

fear of colon cancer got me started eating SOME vegetables

i write for a living

i write when i’m bored

i write when i’m angry

i write when i’m sad

i CAN’T write when i’m elated

i CAN’T write when i’m insanely happy

i am cynical yet optimistic

i am open but not that trusting

i have a bio mom and a bio dad but i live with my nanay and daddy

i have a bio brother and a bio sister but i have 5 siblings (kuyas danny boy and lindy & ates carlyn and amy)

no, i’m not adopted

i used to be a huge basketball fan. by HUGE i meant knowing the game by heart

i used to be head-over-heels in love with SEAN CHAMBERS

yes, i used to dig bad boys and the not-so-bad boys

i don’t wear skirt. i hate dresses. but i’m no tomboy

i am ALWAYS RIGHT. blame my lola

love my lola more than anyone else in the whole wide world

say i look ‘bumbay’ but i DEFINITELY don’t smell like one

i have eyes the size of Pluto

the only pet i’ve ever had was my fighting fish KURT. named after an ex’s dog

i had my first boyfriend in highschool. the 2nd in college. the others i had after i graduated

i once broke up with a guy because of sean chambers

i used to abhor guys who can’t speak english well. now my boyfriend’s english makes me cringe

i’d like to think i’m generous but thing is, i’m always broke

i hate my hair

thanks to skin asthma and some other allergy, i got really bad skin

i can’t wear sleeveless shirts because TAWAS burned my underarms some three years back and i can’t do anything about it because i’m allergic to almost everything that whitens

i love chocolates

i am bordering on eccentricity and yes, i am 90% OC

i am a slave to my phone

i DON’T take NO for an answer

i write the way i talk

i talk the way i write

my toes curl in anger when i can’t get what i want

i’m always out of tune

i can’t sing

i can’t dance

i love watching romantic movies with UNHAPPY endings

i am a BIT of a flirt

i always fight with daddy

prior to the one i have now, my longest relationship was 6 months

i don’t hold grudges BUT i can really be INDIFFERENT

i blow my top easily BUT i cool down just as quickly

i can’t live without CHINGAN, my niece

i love cleaning the bathroom–it’s therapy for me

i love using–when writing

i’m a shade under 5′ but the shortest bf i had stands 5′5</span></p>

i have a best guyfriend, a best gayfriend but no particular best girlfriend

while everyone in my family says my eyes are too big, i still deem it an asset

yes, i’m a BRAT

i’m not really an affectionate person but yes, i can really be CHEESY

people think i’m a toughie and most of the time it’s true

i go crazy when i’m in love

my first love got me thinking about jumping off a bridge when he dumped me

my first love dumped me for a girl he and his friends had a bet on

my first love married the girl he dumped me for

yes i am BITCHY

my friends hated me for having flirted with the guys they’re with

i have a thing for ’semi-kalbo’ guys

an intellectually stimulating repartee can take me to orgasmic heights

i don’t go for dumb men

i DO have a sense of humor

yes, i gossip just like most girls do BUT only with my friends and NEVER about my friends

i prefer long conversations over coffee than a night out in a bar

i love vodka ice

tequila makes me wild and NOISY

i’d like to BELIEVE i’m sexy–and sexy for me is not a ‘physical’ word

i never use scratch paper when i write

i do believe in soulmates

i call my boyfriend ‘habibi’

i’m a walk-out QUEEN

i SPLURGE on food

i have the most SINFUL diet

aside from personal belongings (cellphone, clothes, shoes, etc.) the only thing i own and bought for myself was an ELECTRIC FAN

i am a big fan of PRE-NUPS

i love antonio sabato jr. dermot mulroney and yes, OSCAR DELA HOYA

hawaii is my dream destination

i am so bored i’m about to die.